Everyone received a venereal disease. Oh. Wrong spelling of horror. The book jumps off with a car ride with Lizzy and Luke Morris, their parents and Luke's friend Clay, who looks like an owl but acts like a pussy. They are driving hours upon hours into the desert to find Zoo Gardens, but because the dad doesn't know south from north, forgot his map at home, and it's the 90s where everyone was hopelessly fucked without GPS technology, they end up lost. While they're driving, the father says he thinks they've already been here before (Dude, do you not remember turning around or do you really think you're driving in a massive round-a-bout?). They pull over the side of the road so the father can slap the crap out of his wife, while Luke is pinching everyone in the backseat, nicknaming the two, Pinchy and Slappy (No, not the doll from #7). While Slappy is teaching Rihanna a lesson about talking back to the man, the kids are distracted by a giant monster that is about to swallow the car with them inside. But it's not a monster. It's a mechanical bulletin board in the fuck-all of nowhere saying HorrorLand is one mile away. The kids rejoice and Pinchy pesters Slappy enough to drive them there. Upon parking at HorrorLand, the car explodes into a fiery death ball. Yeah. Sure. Any moment R.L. Stine will reveal it to be just one another of his many fake cliff-hangers. Holy shit. That really happened. Well alright then. The dad says he's going to call the police, and cell phones were not common in the 90s, so he walks to the ticket booth where a costumed monster informs him there are no phones. Slappy explains his car just blew up in the parking lot but the monster says we'll take care of you; just enjoy the theme park free of charge. Seems legit.
The parents decide to figure something out and let the children roam around the theme park by themselves because it's obviously safe considering their car blew up inside for absolutely no reason and there's no phones three hundred miles away from civilization. Like I said, seems legit. The children start out on the doom slide, in which you choose 1 of 10 slides marked ingeniously numbers 1-10, but the kicker is that one of the slides is the "Doom Slide" and you slide forever on it. The three kids pick #2, #3 and #10. Turns out #10 might be the "Doom Slide" as Clay doesn't come out along with the siblings. The kids decide to both take #10 to see what happened and the slide is long for sure, filled with cobwebs and fire along the way. It eventually ends, cause the book wouldn't be eighty pages of a never-ending slide adventures and they find Clay waiting for them. Unphased, they go to a house of mirrors, but this turns out to be a little scarier than they anticipated as the walls and ceiling began to close in on them, preparing to crush them. But because this is not a movie within the Saw Franchise, the floor gives way and the kids fall through to safety at the last moment. They walk around the park some more and see other costumed green monsters with horns selling black ice cream, black balloons, and the ground is littered with black flowers. Everything's black. But the children are scared most when they see their first black people. They realize HorrorLand really is a land of horror. They decide to go into the themed barn literally labelled "Bat Barn" and then are completely and utterly fucking shocked when it becomes filled with Pelicans; oh, no, it's bats.
The barn doors close and the bats fly around into Lizzy's hair messing up her weave. Oh no you didn't, bats. The bats go away once Clay opens the door. That was hard. They finally catch up with their parents who say they circled the park twelve times trying to find them. Well, they obviously didn't look in the Bat Barn. The parents decide, shit, guys, we haven't got to have any fun cause we've been worried about the car exploding for no reason and looking for our kids. Let's go do the coffin ride. They get inside their coffin which then carries them down river towards the entrance of the park. It's peaceful at first, but then the coffin lid slams shut and it becomes stuffy and difficult to breathe. However, the lid opens up when they reach the end and Slappy suggests they take the scares too far here. They decide they want to leave now, but the ticket offices are closed and the gate is locked. The Horrors come goosestepping in by the dozens and tell them they're on a TV show on the Monster Channel. God dammit, Stine, if you end this book as it was all a gag, I'm going to stop this series. The parents are rewarded with a brand new car as Bob Barker comes out from his grave with a slutty model. They're ushered into a room, and it's an obstacle course in which you have 60 seconds to live. A bunch of crazy shit happens and the dad loses some flesh on his arm from all the monsters that attack him. Lizzy almost gets crushed by an elephant and Luke and Clay use their last moments to fulfill their homoerotic desires and make out while pinching each other. They survive the obstacle course and realize there is no brand new car and the costumed workers aren't really in costumes, but actual monsters. They are very serious about their theme park. They say it's time to say goodbye as they ask if they want to jump or be pushed into the purple pond of death, but Lizzy gets the idea to pinch the MC and she deflates. The signs around the park say no pinching so Lizzy just thought why not give it a try. The Morris family pinches the monsters and they deflate. They run to the entrance to perform some grand theft auto as they steal the HorrorLand bus and drive home. However, once they arrive, they discover a Horror jumped on the back to follow them home and he offers them free tickets for next year in one of the best endings of all time. Thank you for not ending it on, "It's just a tv show," Mr Stine. I would have been given all the cancer.
Charles' Rating: 98/100
He reached out his green hand. "Here," he said. "We forgot to give you your free passes for next year!" (Page 123)
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